To take a Xanax or not to take a Xanax that is the question...

I ask myself this question everyday.     

 This usually starts with me getting very anxious  and I might catch myself doing some little quirks. Should I take one?    No you don't want to be a zombie,  just  relax find out what is making you feel this way.                                                      

   Maybe it's all these articles I am reading about sick fucking people hurting children, or the man I work with that keeps walking back and forth which makes me very uncomfortable.   

           

   I start to get the lump in my throat.  The one where crying wants to happen, but you are trying really hard not to.   

  

I will not cry... I start to tell myself  (calm down, stop being so dumb look at yourself really. What a  weak little girl  you would look like) This is my mantra when I start to feel like I am going to cry. Mind you I am  saying this all in my head, I know I 'm crazy but, not that crazy.                                                     

 This is the only time I would ever thank my grandfather  for anything. He taught me not to cry, this got me through a lot over the years. I will tell more on that subject in another post...                                

 If I am at work this would be the all hope is lost hurry and pop a pill so you can become numb cause I will be damned if anyone sees me cry.                                 

  Now if I was home, I would contemplate whether  I really  truly wanted to be a zombie for twelve hours or possible down a shot of tequila and see how I feel in an hour. Yes, I soothe myself with alcohol, if I go that route than Xanax is out of the question and now it comes down to if one shot works or if I get myself drunk.               

   Oh the plight of panic attacks.................

New Year, New Start!!!!!

     I am not going to lie  2014 has been a  rough year.  Things  from my  past  have been  haunting  me. Making it  really hard to function on a daily basis. The only thing that keeps me going our my two beautiful children.     

     I  want to start this blog to write not about what happened. I need to write about how because of the things that were done to me they have changed me.                  

          Do I like walking into a room and making sure to find every exit just in case, or looking everyone in the eyes cause I want them to know I see them. Being lucky enough to get at least two maybe three hours of sleep  every night. I have to add it is not  a consecutive three hours but, ten minutes here five minutes there.

    My biggest fear is  the vicious cycle will continue and my children will go through what I did.

    While writing this blog, I hope to move forward and maybe find others who are going through the same things.   I did not ask to be raped at Eight years old. Because of that I am different.

I want to be a Survivor not a victim!!!!